Brave Enough to Hold My Baby

“I never want to feel that frail again.”

I was telling my father how it felt to be an unemployed dad of 3.

For 6 months I was out of work. My wife was pregnant with our third. We needed to buy a minivan. I couldn’t afford a minivan.

“I felt so frail. Like I was letting them all down. I’m determined to never feel that way again.

That’s why all I think about is money. My career. Our future. And I can’t enjoy this moment. I don’t want them to ever see me frail like that again.”

I know deep down, that in pursuing strength, I’ve exchanged one form of fragility for another. Fear resolved my desire to have it all together, and present a pristine image — so I’d never have to be vulnerable like that again.

I plan the next 20 years of financial moves to ensure I never feel the shame I felt for those 6 long months.

That means that, every waking moment, I’m thinking about provision. How am I going to take care of these kids? Pay for their college? Help them establish a good life?

It’s far easier to take care of your family than it is to care for them.

When I’m planning our future, I get to feel in control. When I’m mapping out our next 5 years, I get to feel strong and like I have agency.

But when I hold my baby, really hold him, I feel frail again. I know there will be a day (Lord-willing a lifetime from now) where he will be on this earth, and I will not. Where he will be laughing with his children, and his children’s children, and I will be a distant tear-stained happy memory.

I know I will look at him one day and realize that my little boy is all grown up, and the days of holding him in my lap are long gone.

Any coward can plan his savings, or map out a 401k. It takes a man to hold a baby.

The overwhelming beauty. The sorrow. My sense of inadequacy. Fear of failure. Excitement for the future. Delight and terror at the fragile wonder of life. They all rush to the surface when I hold my baby.

How quick the years go by. How fleeting the precious moments. How my kids are already growing up too fast. It all comes to mind when I hold my baby.

For all the things I’ve faced. All the adversities overcome.

I’m not sure I’m brave enough to hold my baby.

But today I’m going to try.

No 401ks or saving on my mind. No fear of failure looming large. Just staring into sweet blue eyes, and embracing the shortness of life, so I can really hold my baby.

I’m ready to feel frail again.