To My Sons

An Open Letter

At 30 I want to document lessons learned for when my boys become men. I want to preserve them from my mistakes, and guide them into their own. For those of you that are becoming men, and don’t have an older brother/father figure, you are welcome to treat this counsel as your own from an unqualified internet stranger. Best, Zach.

My Boys,

My heart’s sole desire is that you would be two things:

1. Righteous

2. Wise

My prayer has always been and always will be the words of our Savior, that you would be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Most of all, that you would be servants of Christ.

All of my counsel will orbit these two domains.

Photo by Ante Hamersmit on Unsplash

Righteousness

1. Above all else, attend the posture of your heart. Every season of my life that has proven fruitful was on account of where the roots of my soul were planted. If you do not abide with Christ your greatest strength will never surpass your lowest state of faith-filled weakness. Greatness comes from submission unto Christ, and only the wise have discovered this.

2. Read the Scriptures and Pray Daily. My prayer is that you have seen this in my life and testimony, as with all of my counsel. But if I have failed in any regard in demonstrating these lessons to you, know that it is because I render unto you wisdom that has been rendered unto me by many men wiser and nobler than I. I can say the most virile and mighty seasons of my life always circumvented a vibrant prayer life. To add to that, if you are around men whose piety is the great source of their ineptitude; flee. Piety for me has never been an enemy of virtue but a necessary prerequisite for it. Piety should be the engine not the opposer of your great strength.

3. Repent frequently and earnestly. You err daily. Your confession and repentance should coincide accordingly. The man who corrects his course at every wavering moment will reach his destination; the wanderer may never find it.

4. Care for the poor. I am of no lofty financial status. The generosity of others has carried our family through many afflictions. A man who is down and out, is not necessarily weak or lacking in skill. Sometimes the wicked prosper, sometimes the righteous end up in squalor. It is not your job to judge the hearts of men or how they arrived at their current state of affairs. It is your job to be a helping-hand to those in need, as Christ has been for me, and I pray He is for you.

5. Assume the best about others, be generous of spirit. This is my primary weakness, one of cynicism and bitterness. Be better than me in this regard, and know that it is my chief labor to be better than myself.

6. Be honest and true.

7. Surround yourself with good hearted people that share your values.

8. Attend a church with sound doctrine and standards of living.

9. Flee from any and all youthful temptations. Do not be given to debauchery or self-indulgence.

10. Have a secret place with the Lord, do not fear intimacy with Him as that is never weakness.

11. Know your convictions, and stand by them with a quiet courage.

12. Your whole life purpose is to glorify and enjoy God. Live accordingly.

Photo by Albert Sidorov on Unsplash

Wisdom:

1. Aristotle is right about many things and you should read him. Specifically, he is correct about human nature and how virtue is instilled. Practically speaking, most virtues exist on a plane between two vices, and it is the act of wisdom to discover where that mean of virtue exists; the straight and narrow path.

2. In accordance with this, it is essential that you put yourself in environments where virtue is being instilled. I aspire to put you in positions to expand your courage, your temperance, your prudence, and your justice. I will push you to face your fears, to use wise judgement, to restrain yourself, and to attend to what is right. And if I have failed you in any of these regards, it is of utmost importance that you do not fail yourself.
   Environments which best instill virtue are:

   1. Honor driven

   2. Habitual/liturgical

   3. Aspirational

   4. High in accountability and low in excuses

3. If you are not in such an environment, it is essential that you leave quietly and swiftly; time with fools is always time wasted.

4. You will never find virtue from mere abstinence.¹ You must err to become wise. You must suffer. You must try to do great deeds and fail. There is no shame in the failing, only shame in choosing to be a failure. You must always persevere; get up and try again. If you were too brash, try again but be more calculated. If you were too timid, act and make some mistakes. This is precisely what grace is for; it provides us the courage to be good. To truly be good. To risk trying to be good, and falling short, rather than being paralyzed by fear and never endeavoring for virtue at all. The path to virtue is the one of living, dying and rising. I pray that when you fail, you fail gloriously at doing mighty deeds. Start the business. Found the non-profit. Pursue the doctorate. If you try and fail, know my chest is full of pride that my sons would be so bold.

5. There are errors that must be avoided at all costs. Those being: addiction, fornication, and deception. Each of these conquer men and deprive them of all character and wisdom. Nothing will ruin your life or destroy your legacy as quickly as any of these. You must keep yourself free from these things, not just for the sake of what is moral and just, but for the sake of not squandering your strength.

6. While I have told you to assume the best of others, you must also know what is in the hearts of men. They are all fiends and liars, just like you and I. Deep down inside, every man is filled with all sorts of vice and wickedness. It is essential that you never forget this fact, and be mindful of the dangers that this presents.

7. The most dangerous man is a self-deceived one. This goes two ways; you must know yourself. I am deeply familiar with my shortcomings at this point, though there was a time I had myself fooled. Through a long and storied journey, I am aware of my own capacity for folly. Not all men are. It is essential that when you see something in a man’s heart which he cannot see in his own, that you take great pains to tread with the utmost caution in his presence.

8. Be tactful and measured with your speech. Honesty does not equal indignity, your interior life is your own and others are not privileged to every aspect of your thought life. Know who is truly trustworthy, and let your guard down with them. With all others, practice restraint in your speech, for “where words abound folly is not lacking.”

9. Do not entrust yourself to men who appeal to your passions, your emotions, or your sentiments. Trust men that appeal to your strength and your virtue. If you feel someone is trying to communicate with you by bypassing your rationality, they are to be kept at an arms length.

10. Read the room.

11. Cultivate your virtue. No one but you will invest in you when you are a man. Others will help you, or believe in you. But no one will have the formative power you have over your own self. You must build yourself into the man you wish to be. Into the man God has made you to be. And you must do so through challenging yourself. If the season is easy, it is one that is wasted. Push.

12. Do not try to conquer the world as a young man. Conquer your self first.

13. Pick a virtuous spouse. Don’t be desperate for love and sully your standards. I am fortunate enough that I am married to the most virtuous of women. The man I am today, and the man I am becoming, is all due to her unconditional love and support. Her ability to stand by me when I was weak, to bear with me in my faults, to care for me without judgment; I can think of no more admirable woman than your mother Rebekah. The words “For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health” are not just flowery sentiments, they are the reality of marriage. Find someone that will stand by you through all of it, and will champion your strength. This is one of the most important pieces of counsel I have for you.

14. Treat all women with respect, especially your wife. Your manhood is strongly measured by your treatment of women. Avoid all fools who treat women as objects or contemptibly.

15. Champion your wife’s strength and encourage her dreams and pursuits. You will not regret it. (If you have married well).

16. Be extremely wary of the dangers of alcohol. If you cannot restrain yourself do not indulge. If you do not know if you can restrain yourself, then do not indulge until you have sufficient self-awareness about your restraint.

17. Never force your opinions on people. And certainly never argue with an idiot. (another area of growth for your father).
    
    Now I wish to turn to more practical pieces of advice.

18. Your passion does not have to be your source of employment. When picking a career/education pay attention to:

    1. What you are good at (by “good” I mean better than most people at, and that others would describe you as such)

    2. What you like, or at least, what you could learn to enjoy if you devoted yourself to it.

    3. What people are willing to pay for.

       
       Trying to “fulfill your purpose” at a young age is a bad idea, as you don’t know who you are yet, how the world works, or wise ways of navigating it. Master those basics then figure out your path.

19. College is for specialized pursuits. If you go to school it ought to be for one of the following:

    1. Business

    2. Finance

    3. Engineering

    4. Medicine

    5. Law

    6. Math or Science (Physics as the highest of these pursuits.)

       
       Any other interests you have would be well suited as minors or associate degrees. The only exception to this is if you wish to be a professor in a specialized pursuit, or have identified a highly lucrative field that requires a specialized degree. Don’t pick a degree because you find it interesting, pick a degree that will be useful. (If you want to be a pastor you should read my other writings on that topic, and I do encourage seminary though not right away).

20. If you do go to college, know that your grades are not nearly as important as your network. Go somewhere that allows you to meet the right people, and always be civil. Never get caught up in needless strife with an acquaintance, (I made this mistake plenty in college) as you never know where they are going to end up. Treat everyone with decency, especially the ones you dislike.

21. If you do not know what you are going to do, get an entry level sales job in an industry that interests you, and learn the business. Do so with an intent to start your own company one day. Do so in 5 years. By the time you are 25 you could be very far ahead of your peers.

22. It is good for a man to move away from home. Ideally to a city. Prioritize internships, jobs, colleges, and any other opportunity that allows you to relocate to a major hub. Being “where stuff happens” is key for establishing yourself.

23. Do not be afraid of turning your early 20’s into a full-focused sprint towards career/business establishment. You will never have the margin you have in your 20’s again. Many waste it on having fun, but it is far more fun to enjoy your 30’s-80’s then it is to dread them.

Most of all.

More than any other counsel, heed this.

All of this, without saving faith in Jesus Christ, is a waste. Your greatest virtue, your strength, your wisdom, all wasted if you will not yield unto Him in faith. If no other counsel speaks to your heart, please heed this.

All my love,

Dad

Photo by Sabine van Straaten on Unsplash

Thanks for reading.

1. Though there are things which all wise men abstain from.